Never during my first pregnancy did I ever think my pregnant body was...too fat or too ugly or too anything...except perfect. I can't say that I didn't have any of the typical pregnancy symptoms like breakouts and fat rolls and funny skin color changes, but NEVER have I ever felt "unattractive" because I knew my body was growing a beautiful human being inside of me and that she was healthy and I was healthy. It didn't matter that I gained weight every second I breathed and it didn't matter that I didn't stay under the recommended weight gain for a "healthy" pregnant woman...I still felt BEAUTIFUL and happy with my physical body...literally the entire pregnancy. I might not have been emotionally stable throughout it, much like this current pregnancy, but the emotional instability was more focused on what I was going to be doing in the future, what kind of mom I was going to be, if I'd be a good mom, etc. Not about my body image.
This pregnancy, I think 90% of my stress is coming from how "fat" I'm getting and how much I weigh. I stepped on the scale yesterday, to psychologically try and prepare myself for my next doctor's appointment tomorrow, and nearly fell over in shock at the number on the scale. Honestly, I probably weighed more than that with the first pregnancy at 25/26 weeks, but all I could hear in my head was, YOU ARE GAINING TOO MUCH WEIGHT, YOU ARE OVER OBESE, YOU NEED TO STOP EATING...
I keep telling myself I'll adjust my diet, eat less, no more sweets, etc...but constantly worrying about my weight is actually making me crave the sweets and unhealthy foods that I need to be avoiding! Why do I do this???
I don't feel "unhealthy." I did just jog a 5K fun run in 40 minutes and 45 seconds and felt fine (my leg muscles were sore for a couple days after). I do walk fairly frequently, although not the recommended three hours a day from my doctor. I never charted my weight gain the first time around, but for this pregnancy, I have been keeping track, somewhat, but not religiously like my doctor recommended (to ensure I gain only 11 pounds this prengancy, ha!). Sadly to say, I have already burst the bubble on those recommended eleven pounds, but I'm happy to report that I have been steadily gaining one to two pounds (most weeks, two pounds) throughout this second trimester. My understanding is that is an okay weight gain for someone who was in the normal weight range before I got pregnant. According to my current doctor, though, I started out my pregnancy as an obese person, so I was not supposed to gain the "normal" amount of weight for this pregnancy. Blah blah blah...so I weighed more than 100 pounds when I got pregnant. I'm not the "typical" Korean woman. Give me a break.
This next doctor's appointment will be my last with this doctor. I'll be transferring to the hospital where I am planning on having little Riley - the same hospital where I had Tay. And I'll even have the same doctor if everything goes as planned. Maybe they'll give me a break about my weight and just be happy for me that the little life growing inside of me is healthy and strong and that she will be just as lovely when she's born as my first angel was...:)
Tomorrow is my glucose screening...yay. More to follow after the test. Hopefully I'll have a better self-image by then...:P
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